wabi sabi

We have all been subject at one point or the other to this horrible excuse for a break-up.

Really, nothing you could have done differently.  You were perfect.  Wonderful.  Fulfilling in every way.  But me, I am damaged goods.  Can’t accept perfection.  Nope.  Just can’t do it.  So.  Let’s be friends.  Okay?

And we are left holding the bag, not buying the goods.  Wondering where, oh where did we go wrong.

Well, here I am, four kids later, two husbands, lying in bed feeling my bone-weary Tiredness, my February too-cold-to-go-out, too-boring-to-stay-in, choose the path of least resistance and cross your fingers you can get through the day relatively unscathed.

And then my mind wanders to the myriad of ways my husbands, mother, ex-husbands, in-laws have ‘let me down’ and contributed to the mind-numbing banality of taking care of four children’s needs day in and day out.  And all the ways they could be in my life doing more to alleviate maybe perhaps just a tad, a smidgeon, maybe of this weary fatigue I feel.

At 44, I know not to let my mind wander for too long down these pointless asides, so I switch on my I-phone and find a recommended article by a friend for inviting ‘miracles’ into your life.

These miracles are not of the ‘water into wine’ variety but of the ‘grievance into love’, perhaps far more attainable and applicable.

The friend and I have recently had a falling out of sorts and don’t see each other very much any more, but this falling out was of a ‘be true to yourself’ and ‘we are on different paths’, and the difference is I still feel her respect underneath and vice versa.

Nothing more important than learning how to be yourself, the person God intended you to be with all your flaws, eccentricities, imperfections bared open.

Because only then can you let everything else shine through as well.

I feel that from her and so it is easy to let it go with kindness and benevolence.

But my family, my-should-be- there-to-help-with-everyday-life, and I-will-be-there-for-you-in-return.  Where the heck are you?

I lay in bed for a second and all of a sudden, it sinks in.

The true meaning of ‘don’t take things personally.’

In most instances, they are not.  People have their own problems and issues and motivations, and in most instances, their actions have nothing to do with you.

I truly believe the above sentence will lead to such a better life for the large majority of us if we frequently remind our egoistic selves.

But what follows is even more mind-blowing for myself, because in the rest of the cases, if it is personal,

So what.

If you are true to yourself: open, honest, loving, caring but realistic of your own flaws and shortcomings, and there are people in your life who can’t react to that except with criticism, abuse, verbal or physical or even sometimes just as hurtful, indifference, then you are better off without them in your life.

No matter who they are:  your mother, your husband, your in-laws, your siblings.  All of those people are there because at some point, you have somehow invited them and their behavior in to your life.

Oh, my 44 year old self would handle that 20 something break-up with such class and savoir faire.

‘Ahh, yes, no problem.  There is the door.  Best of luck’ with a genuine smile.

I get it, I truly get it now.  It is not a cop-out nor the cowardly way out.

It is too late to undo a lot of the bad choices that I made in the past, but every day is a new day.

And these days, I let into my life the people I want in my life.

You’re too messy.  You are a bit overweight, unkept.  You could dress way better, brush your hair more often.  Your cooking skills – lacking.  Housekeeping – erratic.  Way too sensitive.  Emotionally all over the place.   Fix all of those things, and perhaps we have a chance.’

No, I don’t think so.  Can’t do it.

You see, it’s Not You,

It’s Me.

It really is ‘Me’.

And I’m really good with that these days.