karen

Selfies are selfish. I get told, by my husband, a lot lately that I am being selfish.

I don’t think I’m being selfish. I think as a lot of us women, care-takers, mothers, people-pleasers are wont to do, over the years I have taken care of a lot of other people to the detriment of myself.

And now that I have dangled over the precipice of destruction enough times that I can recount those crevices in detail, I have figured out that if I’m going to get through this thing alive (well, I won’t btw) but if I’m going to keep going through this thing called life (which I am, no matter how painful or no matter how many times I screw things up) then I have to figure out a way to take better care of myself.

And so I needed a selfie.

Because you see, I like Facebook.

Like most technology, it has its danger and its own precipices of destruction that one must stay away from.

Especially the one where you think that everyone else’s life is perfect, that their kids are all beautiful and well-behaved, and they take expensive vacation after vacation and activity after activity, and you end up feeling smaller than that smashed jelly bean in the back of your car.

But the other side, where you see how we are all alike and learn things and see new perspectives and are motivated and feel less alone as you struggle through the challenges of your day, that side: I like.

And I like to see ‘who’ I am talking to, even if it is on Facebook.

I could use one of my ‘good’ pictures from 2006-2008. That was my ‘divorced, lost-weight-to-try-and-save-my-first-marriage-but-it-did-not-work but-then-might-as-well-have-fun-being-the-right-weight-period’ until the stress, Paxil and alcohol caught up with me.

But that wouldn’t be real.

And that would not show all the pain, courage, fear, peace, stress, wrinkles, love, heartbreak, pounds, wisdom, courage – did I say courage? that I have earned the past six years.

I have earned them, Goddamnit, breath after breath, lesson after lesson, hand over hand as I crawl up from the precipice.

And I would not trade that for the perfect unblemished picture.

But I also don’t want to be ‘selfish’ as my husband accuses me of, so I look to my motivation.

Do I want to be adored, liked and have all my friends tell me how beautiful I am? Possibly have an old boyfriend tell me how pretty I am and boy what an idiot my current husband is for not treating me as the Goddess that I am.

Well, heck yes, that would be fun.

But it wouldn’t last very long, and in the end, it would not get me to where I want to go.

What I want, more than anything else, is to know that I am Worthy.

And fittingly, on this day of Easter, we are reminded that Jesus died For Us

Because We Are Worthy

Each and Every One of Us

And Perfect

Each and Every One of Us

Exactly the Way We Are.

And most of the time, I may not feel beautiful enough or skinny enough or smart enough, but I am Worthy Enough.

And So Are You.

So go ahead, Be Selfish and take a Selfie.

Just be sure to make it one of the Real You.

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